God is Bigger Than the Glue—How to Get Unstuck
The following is inspired by a recent Brené Brown podcast on Burnout.
Stress is not bad for you. Being stuck is bad for you. —Dr. Nagoski
First off, I need to give credit to my courageous and smart friend, E, for sending this Brené Brown Podcast. God is, and will continue to do amazing things through her—(doing my best Hamilton impression) “just you wait!”
The podcast she shared was entitled Burnout and How to Complete the Stress Cycle. It features the authors of a recent book, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. The authors are identical twin sisters and as a twin myself (although fraternal) I am thrilled to hear they wrote this book together—what an inspiration.
Dr. Emily and Dr. Emilia Nagoski assert, “If stressors outpace the resources you have to outpace the stress, then the stress will accumulate in your body.”
The Nagoski sisters explain the unfortunate expectations of women in society and how stress inordinately builds in women. This is not to say men don’t face stress, but this journal (and the talk) focuses on women and the stress cycle.
“[There are] societal expectations of women are that they never show anger. Women have to be pretty, happy, and calm.” —Dr. Nagoski
Further, Dr. Nagoski sisters assert the disproportionate expectations of women include, “Expectations to act small, smile, be nice to all people, including those that are mean and rude.” Unfortunately for women, acting small and being nice to everyone while sucking up our stress or stuffing it down has a massive negative impact and long-term effect on our bodies.
The solution? We have to work to change the cultural narrative and/or learn how to healthfully deal with chronic stress. Ultimately, this means learning how to complete the stress cycle and get unstuck.
Please allow me restate, stress is unavoidable, avoiding stress may be helpful depending on the situation, but much is not—so it’s becoming unstuck that is so important!
Women need to learn how to get unstuck from chronic stress.
In other words, societal expectations may never change—although I hope they do. Regardless, especially during these increasingly difficult times amidst an unrelenting pandemic that we must help each other learn, grow, and heal from chronic stress. In a real way, over the past two years, we’ve all experienced a collective form of trauma.
Let’s take a look at the specifics of how our embodied souls deal with chronic stress. Some may have heard this called the fight or flight response.
Fight, flight, or freeze.
What does fight, flight, or freeze look like in a woman’s body? Specifically, in less than a second, the brain can feel stress and it can be triggered to attack or run or, well, freeze. In other words fear, anxiety, and terror can ensue in mere seconds.
For someone living with PTSD, the flight or fight response gets magnified at a much higher and faster rate. For instance, multiple things can trigger PTSD at a similar rate including sounds, smells, faces, different emotions in others… anger, irritation, and annoyance. The parasympathetic parts of the body may react. According to Dr. Nagoski, body systems can and will shutdown as a result of the stress becoming too much for the body and brain to handle.
Why does this happen? Fight, flight or freeze happens for those who have experienced trauma. And remember, the entire world has now encountered some form of trauma and chronic stress, due to levels of anxiety not seen in decades. Although, to be fair, I believe we’re also—due to the pandemic—just now talking about it because burnout is increasing. That’s because we’re all stamped from the experiences we endured throughout our childhood and upbringing—even as adults. In many ways, even before the pandemic, many of us have had experiences we’ve been through that are less than ideal—things we’ve repressed, things that have ultimately shaped us. But hear me when I tell you, they don’t have to own you. Only one owns you and that’s your Creator.
“When you freeze your body saved you. Freeze is just as heroic as fight or flight. Shame can make people stop healing. People can feel shame, especially women, when the body freezes.
We have to finish the stress feelings and complete the cycle.”
—Brené Brown Podcast, Burnout and How to Complete the Stress Cycle
Remember we are embodied souls. The brain, heart and body must all work together to find healing. As a believer and follower of Christ, I will add that knowing scripture is not enough. True healing comes from hours and hours of heart work, honest conversations, and a devotion to fervent and intercessory prayer.
I know, because I survived an enormous amount of trauma. I too, have had to spend an inordinate amount of time for counseling, prayer, and discussion with God-loving individuals who can help me walk through and reframe His purpose and will for my life—even the hardest parts.
Survival and healing from chronic stress (and trauma) is especially hard for families who have experienced trauma together. Only by the healing of our Lord and Savior, do many families heal, survive, and thrive. This isn’t an individual act—it takes each family member digging deep, doing their personal work of healing and coming together in humble vulnerability. It’s rarely ever the result and work of one individual within a covenant relationship—remember, “the two shall become one.”
Is this easy? No. It can and will be extremely painful at times. Unfortunately, this is made more difficult given the natural body’s response is to run from pain—to avoid it at all costs. People experiencing PTSD have an abundance of triggers (more than average individual), therefore, their desire to run from painful situations and protect themselves at all costs is only increased and therefore magnified.
Friend, let me sit with you, breathe deeply, and gently say that I have been there and God and His healing is worth it. People are worth it—you are worth it. Each person was made in the image of God and each of us bears witness to our Creator. Not one person is unworthy of God’s love or too far from His healing.
Ultimately, I have seen God do amazing miracles in my life and I testify because I have personally witnessed God’s healing in me and others.
Where do we go from here?
The good news is stress is not the problem. The strategies that deal with stressors have almost no relationship to how the stress came about. In order to be well, the goal is not to live in a state of perpetual safety and calm. The goal is fluidity from adventure, excitement, and back to safety and calm… and out again. Stress is not bad for you. Being stuck is bad for you. —The Nagoski Sisters
Live through some of the yuck to get to the place of being unstuck.
I can hear you saying, “okay, that’s all wonderful and heartfelt, Amanda. But I need application!” Alright, here are some efficient ways to complete the stress cycle.
Physical Activity. Walking, running, elliptical, yoga, swimming, etc. Whatever your body is craving physically, please listen to it. Our bodies are telling us what they need.
Breathing. Perhaps obvious these days given the prevalence of apps that aid with doing it more regularly—breathing regulates the nervous system. This is the gentlest way to complete the stress cycle. If you have survived trauma and abuse then 1.5 minutes of breathing in and out it will help heal your body.
So many women can be breath holders, especially women in leadership who go from meeting to meeting and are constantly context switching. Breathing can be a significant way to heal and end the stress cycle—but is often the first thing we eschew given the perceived need to keep active. Tell yourself this, it’s not just yogi’s who proclaim the power of breath work—the special forces military leverage it to help them regulate fear. Amazing!Connect/Positive Social Interaction. The natural inclination to hug or be with someone. Even if you are not at home, something like a positive interaction with a barista, tells your body, that the world is a safe place. If you are home, and around those you love, you don’t need a reason for a solid hug (see affection below).
Laughter. Now I need to caveat, this cannot be posed laughter—it needs to be genuine. As in, slightly embarrassing, uncontrolled, ridiculous laughter. I know my laughter is genuine when I snort. Yup, snort away!
Apparently, it can even help to reminisce with someone about a time you laughed that hard. I’m often reminded when my Mother-In-Law helped me clean out my old apartment with my husband (when we were dating). Regardless of the reason for the laughter, she laughed so hard, she had to sit down so she didn’t, well, you know! It was such a joyful memory that it brings a smile to my face even now just writing and thinking about it.
One additional note, I’m not talking about self-deprecating laughter—although that can lighten the mood in social situations, it doesn’t necessarily have the same impact.Affection. A warm hug in a safe context can help your body know it escaped a threat the same way as running 20 miles! Wow. Ask someone you know and trust for a warm 20-second hug. Hug them until you feel relaxed, where your breathing connects with one another—you will feel the shift in chemistry. Your body will feel and know it can relax, that it’s safe. Research suggests a 20-second hug can change your hormones, lower blood pressure, and increase mood. Ultimately, a hug like this increases oxytocin! Wow. The same chemical released when holding a baby or breastfeeding. God created us for affection.
A Big ‘Ole Cry. I may feel pretty counter intuitive that crying will solve the problem or eliminate the stress. But here’s what it does do, when emotion takes over body, crying helps complete the cycle so the emotion does not get trapped in the body. How do you cry? Well, what is overwhelming you? Dr. Nagoski explains, “Set the sad away for a moment and pay attention to the crying itself, without feeding it more thoughts of what sparked the crying initially.
The crying will inevitably end. It is a cycle. People are afraid crying will last forever. If you do not feed the crying thoughts about the cause of stress, it will not last past more than 5 minutes.” What beautiful knowledge to know how crying can be used effectively for healing and release. After all, why would God give us this ability if it wasn’t ultimately for our good and His glory?Creative Expression. It feels amazing to take what is inside of you and put it outside of you. This is exactly why I loved to dance as a child. With all the chaos at home, when I went to the dance studio, that stress could be released and made into something beautiful. All the pain I was experiencing, that rage and sadness were released out of my body in a truly healthy way. Often parents of other dancers would tell me they loved watching me dance because they felt my emotion. Carrie Fisher once opined, “take your broken heart and make it into art.”
Creative expression doesn’t have to be “art” per se. You could, instead, imagine yourself in a story. For example, Dr. Nagoski hoped on her elliptical machine and imagined she was Godzilla trampling over things. She felt elated afterwards because her mind completed the cycle!
How do you feel when the stress-cycle is complete? Your body tells you! You have to learn how to listen to your body. Now, this is more or less for stopping the cycle of these moments of stress from building up in your body. This is not to say that this is sufficient for deep-seated trauma that needs to be worked on (as mentioned prior). That will require more thorough and healthy discussion, self-awareness, prayer and ultimately healing from the past. But these techniques can stop the cycle from never completing and building up in the body over time.
Ultimately Dr. Nagoski states, “Don’t stay this stressed out. In other words, if you can’t stay well enough to deal with the stressors, then you will give up, burnout and stop. We need everyone taking care of themselves and growing. Cure for burnout has to be all of us caring for each other. Self-care is so important.” My favorite trainer on Peloton is Robin Arzón. Similarly, one of her favorite sayings is, “self-care is not selfish.”
For example, sleep will not work if you are the only one in the family that prioritizes your well being. Dr. Nagoski advices that you tell your partner that 8 hours of sleep is a priority for the entire family. She continues to say, self-care is a bubble of protection with people that value your protection at least as much as you do.
We interrupt this journal for a quick public service announcement: It’s important to have friends who are in your corner, not just in your business. Because ultimately, those who matter won’t mind and those who take offense to your boundaries are not true and healthy friends.
In conclusion, Dr. Nagoski says lean on each other—pick each other up. In other words, don’t leave a fallen soldier behind.
Remember, wellness is a state of action. You don’t arrive in peace. Ending the stress cycle is moving in and out fluidly from peace and calm into excitement and back into states of peace and calm. Real life thriving is found in these fluid cycles my friend. The perpetual cycle of wholeness.
As a believer, we know that God is at the helm of our ships and helps lead us to understanding this cycle. We have to be open to the healing. We are not always waiting on God, often He is waiting on us.
Dear sister, show yourself love and compassion to enable you to be in a healthy place—to show others love and compassion. Hurt people hurt people. Don’t be that person hurting others out of your own unreleased, unhealed hurt.
Vulnerability is worth it. Vulnerability is a choice!
Be blessed.
